Don’t Get Hooked

By Aaron Gold Hammer

Memorandum From ESPN Cleveland

To: All Cleveland Browns fans

From: Aaron Goldhammer

Re: Breaking of show rules

We only have a few rules on “The Really Big Show.” To review and clarify, I’ve outlined them below:

1) It’s good to be alive – Your team may lose, LeBron may leave, the Indians may trade Cy Young award winners, and the winter in Cleveland may seem like it’s never going to end. No matter how bad things get, don’t forget to be grateful for the positive things in your life. Put your problems in perspective because it’s always good to be alive.

2) No names please – See some famous Cleveland athlete at the local bar? Notice Negative Ned dancing in the VIP? There is NO NEED to reveal said person’s identity and embarrass them on the air. Rather than saying “I saw Negative Ned snogging some girl in the VIP at Barley House last night,” go with “I saw a Really Big Show staff member, no names please, snogging some girl in the VIP at the Barley House.”

3) Don’t beg for it – Self explanatory. If she says no or doesn’t call you back, she’s not interested. That desperate Brett Favre voice mail was just depressing.

4) Don’t get hooked – Sports and life are rife with exaggeration. Don’t be gullible. You can’t let the embellishment fool you.

In the last 24 hours, I’ve heard some Clevelanders in clear violation of rule #4.

Browns fans are more than welcome to enjoy yesterday’s big win over the Patriots. It was exciting. After seeing him play yesterday, Colt McCoy looks like more than the quarterback of the future. He’s the quarterback of the present. However, don’t forget that this team is 3-5 for a reason. Are they better? Yes. Are they improving? Yes. Are they a playoff team this year? No way.

I implore you to sober up and calm down. The Browns are NOT, I repeat NOT Super Bowl bound. Best case scenario? 8 wins this year. Don’t get hooked. For next week’s game against the Jets, please go in with low expectations. Don’t get hooked. You are setting yourselves up for a major disappointment. It was just one game.


Aaron Samuel Goldhammer

Non-Clevelander. Not hooked. Yet…



  1. You forgot RULE #5: No Holmgren/Mangini fat jokes.

    Also, I’m pretty certain the Browns are playing the Jets next Sunday.

  2. Aaron,
    You don’t get it. After all of these years working in Cleveland at an all sports station, you still don’t get it. Being a Cleveland sports fan IS a major disappointment. So why can’t a Cleveland sports fan rejoice, yes, even go overboard in a reaction to one game? Hey, I know what you are saying, and in some respects, I agree with you. Back to back wins over two potential Super Bowl teams does NOT mean the Browns are going to the playoffs this year. But on the other hand, why can’t the Browns fans have their day today and over react? What does it hurt? Will they be disappointed? Hey, after watching 50 years of bad sports in Cleveland, Rizz can relate, WE KNOW DISAPPOINTMENT. So don’t preach about being wary of being disappointed. We are big boys, we can handle it, we have been handling it since 1964 for the Browns, since 1948 for the Tribe, and for a franchise’s lifetime for the Cavs.

  3. Dear Hammer
    Go back to Denver where you belong. We don’t give a shit about you.

  4. Love how an outsider has the stones to tell Cleveland fans how to act. Yes it was a big win on Sunday. Yes the team is improving week after week. No this team will not make the playoffs, not in a conference as strong as the AFC, this year. And no, the fans screaming playoffs 24 hours after the NE game really believe it’ll happen. But for the first time since this organization came back, the fans see a strong foundation and they can see the direction that this team is going in and the fans LOVE IT. They’ve been asking for some semblence of Cleveland Browns football and the organization is finally giving it back to them. The fans expected to see improvement and that’s what they have gotten. The fans have asked that this team be competetive week in and out and they’ve gotten that. The fans have been fed crap on the football field for the past 11 years and after the summer Clevelanders have had for you to tell fans to go in with low expectations is insulting. Granted, that is your “role” that you play on the radio but leave your condesending comments directed at the teams, don’t direct them towards the fans. You may cross a line that you won’t find your way back over.

  5. Name one team in the A.F.C. that is playing better then the Browns over the last month.You and the other half of the kiddie corps don’t know what the hell you are talking about.What you 2 fool’s know about football could fit in a thimble and still have room for Paul Bunyans thumb.I have another little tid-bit for you 2 idiots,the reason the Browns “D” is playing 5x better this year is because the “O” is playing 50x better then last year.You and Fedor need to get a clue or get a job selling hot dog’s at Browns stadium.

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