Cleveland Sports New Year’s Resolutions

By Will Burge

It is that time of year again. It is time to make empty promises about your life for the next 365 days. It is time to “invest” in home workout equipment that will serve as an extremely expensive clothes rack. It is time to make our New Year’s resolutions.

Here are the resolutions of some Cleveland sports athletes, teams, and owners.

Anderson Varejao:  Find someone to punch in the face (besides himself) that will get him shipped to a contender. Aka the Braylon Escape Plan.

Antawn Jamison:  Have his agent explore a rehab endorsement. No one quits quite like Antawn.

Daniel Gibson:  Treat himself to a nice, long, warm vacation in Miami. He could plan his trip from late February to mid June possibly.

Byron Scott:  Find some “system” players. And by “system” he means “not JJ Hickson.”

JJ Hickson:  Spend a little money on himself. He is in the market for a very comfy seat cushion.

Dan Gilbert:  Kick his addiction to “Comic Sans” font. He would also like buy 2012 and get rid of it. The Casino opens in 2013!

Grady Sizemore:  Give up drinking coffee.

Carlos Santana:  Master the English language. You have to know the English language to negotiate a trade to the Yankees.

Larry Dolan:  Make it winter all year round. Snow Days were a hit!!

Peyton Hillis:  Practice his NCAA scouting skills. If the Browns cannot find someone to give him a rest, he will just do it himself.

Eric Wright:  Purchase a Snuggie. Eric even has trouble covering himself with a blanket.

Colt McCoy:  Start calling people “guy”, “chief”, and “buddy”. This will help with all the personnel change he will encounter in Berea.

Eric Mangini:  Find a home in Kansas City.  That’s where all the failed ex-Patriot assistants go.

Mike Holmgren:  Lose some weight. He has already started planning his weekly sideline pacing workout plan for next year.

Happy New Year’s everybody and let’s hope the next one is better than the last!


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