Rebels kick the tar out of “Martians” in men’s/kids league

Hockey North America, one of the most respected and organized “Men’s Leagues” around, got a taste of Dangeroushockey as my Cleveland Rebels put a beating on the first-place “Martians.”  It wasn’t the 7-3 score that this story is so much about, because it could easily have been 17-3 if not for solid play by Martians goalie Adam Christian.

The rest of his team featured the biggest bunch of punks I’ve faced in 30 years of hockey.  First shift — I swear on my kids I’m not making this up — a guy accused me of KICKING him.

"Um, anyone seen our spaceship?"

It was all downhill from there, for them. I later found out they lead the league in penalties — BY FAR.

Here’s the rub (and honestly, I’m not certain why it seemed this way), but was I the only one on my team to stand up to them?  Granted I was on the “skill line” and since I have few, I just did my job clogging up the middle so my guys could skate around their goon pylons and score at will.  Which they did.

In exchange for these scoring liberties, I took at least seven or eight cross-checks, one or two sticks to the face/neck, a fierce baseball-swing slash across my shin, and at least nine semi-invitations / threats to fight.

With one exception, the threats came from three guys at a time. The funny part is they would get in my face, all tough, circling me, surrounding me, but nobody had the crackers to do a damn thing. Unless it was with a weapon or a cheap shot.

They were “pissed” because I “ran the goalie” in a men’s league.  The fact is, I was on a 2-on-1.  The pass came in tight to my backhand.  I looked down to play the puck and we collided.  Net moved, he goes down, everyone’s mad at Dangeroushockey.  I immediately asked the goalie if he was OK.  ”Yes,” he said. Then again, all his so-called tough guys got in my face. Blah blah blah, blah blah, blah……..I just laughed.  As I knew, I was safer than a baby in a womb from these yappies.

"We can't stop them; this does not compute."

It was literally three at a time and my guys must have thought differently about the situation (which I doubt, because nobody talked to me after the game) But here I am, half shield (which I wear up) out of shape, fatigued from a potentially debilitating and even (rarely) deadly illness and these guys are all chirpy like little schoolgirls.  But not one “Space Alien,” not a single ray gun holding one-eyed Martian, wanted to do anything manly.  Again — blind-side hits, using their sticks as weapons.  Maybe it’s an outer space thing? It all got shoved back in their faces.

I took a beating yesterday. But in the end, I literally kicked the living crap out of practically that entire team without drawing one legitimate penalty (the refs thought otherwise and called three).  However, I drew seven or eight.  Irony, they keep throwing out “men’s league, men’s league” while acting like little children.  Both in their actions and their fear.

The highlight was when one guy stood at his bench with 20 guys behind him as I was being shoved in the penalty box (which I swear I didn’t know how to open, angering the referee) and this older dude yells “Wanna take me on?  Center ice right now.”  I didn’t know if he wanted to fight or fornicate. Either way, normally I’d be game but I was tired and being shoved for the third time in the box.  Plus I only have on hand, so I’m at a slim disadvantage should I get in my third hockey fight in 30 years.

The rules are screwy in the HNA league.  One fight is an automatic suspension, but one baseball swing to a knee or cross-check to the throat is 2 minutes. I gotta tell you on the heels of getting a significant health scare yesterday, I was full of life after last night’s game.  Right from the opening shift when some guy pushed me over and landed on me. I tried to get up and he claimed I “kicked him.”

"Red card.. kick to the head..."

Yeah, I kicked him.  I mean the older I get, the more stupid I think this world is sometimes.  I went out there and kicked a guy with my skate?  What a knob… “You kicked me.”  Are we all in third grade?

I suppose this blog won’t bode well for my safety in the next game.  But the story had to be told. I literally think their entire team tried to take me out. They failed, although the one guy did ask.

Peace and see you later.

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